Fern Leaves from Fanny's Portfolio, series two (Auburn & Buffalo: Miller, Orton & Mulligan, 1854)
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"When you are angry, take three breaths before you speak."
I could n't do it, said Mrs. Penlimmon. Long before that time I should be as placid as an oyster. "Three breaths!" I could double Cape Horn in that time. I'm telegraphic,--if I had to stop to reflect, I should never be saucy. I can't hold anger any more than an April sky can retain showers; the first think I know, the sun is shining. You may laugh, but that's better than one of your foggy dispositions, drizzling drops of discomfort a month on a stretch; no computing whether you'll have anything but gray clouds overhead the rest of your life. No: a good heavy clap of thunder for me--a lightning flash; then a bright blue sky and a clear atmosphere, and I am ready for the first flower that springs up in my path.
"Three breaths!" how absurd! as if people, when they get excited, ever have any breath, or if they have, are conscious of it. I should like to see the Solomon who got off that sage maxim. I should like better still to give him an opportunity to test his own theory! It's very refreshing to see how good people can be, when they have no temptation to sin; how they can sit down and make a code of laws for the world in general and sinners in particular.
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"Three breaths!" I would n't give a three-cent piece for anybody who is that long about anything. The days of stage coaches have gone by. Nothing passes muster now but comets, locomotives and telegraph wires. Our forefathers and foremothers would have to hold the hair on their heads if they should wake up in 1854. They 'd be as crazy as a cat in a shower-bath, at all our whizzing and rushing. Nice old snails! It's a question with me whether I should have crept on at their pace, had I been a contemporary. Christopher Columbus would have discovered the New World much quicker than he did, had I been at his elbow.
OR, MISS PRIM'S MODEL SCHOOL.
School is out! What stretching of limbs; what unfettering of tongue and heels; what tossing-up of pinafores and primers; what visions of marbles, and hoops, and dolls, and apples, and candy, and gingerbread! How welcome the fresh air; how bright the sunshine; how tempting the grassy play-ground! Ah, there's a drop of rain--there's another; there's a thunder clap! "Just as school is out--how provoking!" echo a score of voices; and the pouting little prisoners huddle together in the school-house porch, and console themselves by swapping jack-knives and humming tops, and telling marvellous stories of gypsies and giants; while Miss Prim, the dyspeptic teacher, shakes her head and the ferule, and declares that the former will "fly into fifty pieces;" upon which some of the boys steal out of doors and amuse themselves by sounding the puddles with their shoes, while others slyly whittle the desks, or draw caricatures on their slates, of Miss Prim's long nose.
Drip, drip--spatter, spatter! How the rain comes down, as if it could n't help it; no prospect of "holding up."
Here come messengers from anxious mothers, with India
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rubbers, extra tippets, and umbrellas; and there's a chaise at the door, for Squire Lenox's little rosy daughter; and a wagon for the two Prince girls; and a stout Irish girl, with a blanket shawl, to carry home little lame Minnie May, who is as fragile as a lily, and just as sweet. And there's a servant man for Master Simpkins, the fat dunce with the embroidered jacket, whose father owns "the big Hotel, and wishes his son to have a seat all by himself."
And now they are all gone;--all save little Bessie Bell, the new scholar,--a little four-year-older, who is doing penance over in the corner for "a misdemeanor."
Bessie's mother is a widow. She has known such bright, sunny days, in the shelter of a happy home, with a dear arm to lean upon! Now, her sweet face is sad and care-worn, and when she speaks, her voice has a heart-quiver in it: but, somehow, when she talks to you, you do not notice that her dress is faded, or her bonnet shabby and rusty. You instinctively touch your hat to her, and treat her very courteously, as if she were a fine lady.
As I said before, this is little Bessie's first day at school; for, she is light and warmth and sunshine to her broken-hearted mother. But, little Bessie must have bread to eat. A shop woman offered her mother a small pittance to come and help her a part of every day; but she is not to bring her child; so, Bessie must go to school, to be out of harm's way, and her mother tells Miss Prim, as she seats her on the hard bench, that "she is very timid and tender-hearted;" and then she kisses Bessie's little quivering lip, and leaves her with a heavy heart.
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Bessie dare not look up for a few minutes;--it is all very odd and strange, and if she were not so frightened she would cry aloud. By-and-by she gains a little courage, and peeps out from beneath her drooping eye-lashes. Her little pinafore neighbor gives her a sweet smile--it makes her little heart so happy, that she throws her little dimpled arms about her neck and says, (out loud) "I love you!"
Poor, affectionate little Bessie! she did n't know that that was a "misdemeanor;" nor had she ever seen that bug-bear, a "School Committe[e]." Miss Prim had;--and Miss Prim never wasted her lungs talking; so, she leisurely untied her black silk apron from her virgin waist, and proceeded to make an African of little Bessie, by pinning it tightly over her face and head--an invention which herself and "the Committee" considered the ne plus ultra of discipline. Bessie struggled, and said she "never would kiss anybody again--never--never;" but Miss Prim was inexorable, and, as her victim continued to utter smothered cries, Miss Prim told her "that she would keep her after the other children had gone home."
One class after another recited; Bessie's sobs became less loud and frequent, and Miss Prim flattered herself, now that they had ceased altogether, that she was quite subdued, and congratulated herself complacently upon her extraordinary talent for "breaking in new beginners."
And now, school being done, the children gone, her bonnet and India rubbers being put on, and all her spinster "fixings" settled to her mind, visions of hot tea and buttered toast began
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to float temptingly through her brain, and suggest the propriety of Bessie's release.
"Bessie!"--no answer. "Bessie!"--no reply. Miss Prim laid the ferule across the little fat shoulders. Bessie did n't wince. Mis Prim unpinned the apron to confront the face that was bold enough to defy her and "the Committee." Little Bessie was dead!
Well; there was a pauper funeral, and a report about that a child had been "frightened to death at school;" but Bessie's mother was a poor woman, consequently the righteous Committee "did n't feel called upon to interfere with such idle reports."
THE DELIGHTS OF VISITING.
What is it to go away on a visit? Well, it is to take leave of the little velvet rocking-chair, which adjusts itself so nicely to your shoulders and spinal column; to cram, jam, squeeze, and otherwise compress your personal effects into an infinitessimal compass; to be shook, jolted, and tossed, by turns, in carriage, railroad and steamboat; to be deafened with the stentorian lungs of cab-drivers, draymen and porters; to clutch your baggage as if every face you saw was a highwayman; (or to find yourself transported with rage, at finding it transported by steam to Greenland or Cape Horn.) It is to reach your friends'; house, travel-stained, cold and weary, with an unbecoming crook in your bonnet; to be utterly unable to get the frost out of your tongue, or "the beam into your eye," and to have the felicity of hearing some strange guest remark to your friend, as you say an early good-night, "Is it possible THAT is your friend, Miss Grey?"
It is to be ushered into the "best chamber," (always a north one) of a cold January night; to unhook your dress with stiffened digits; to find every thing in your trunk but your night-cap; to creep between polished linen sheets, on a congealed mattress, and listen to the chattering of your own teeth until
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It is to talk at a mark twelve hours on the stretch; to eat and drink all sorts of things which disagree with you; to get up sham fits of enthusiasm at trifles; to learn to yawn circumspectly behind your finger-tips; to avoid all allusion to topics unsuited to your pro tem. latitude; to have somebody forever at your nervous elbow, trying to make you "enjoy yourself;" to laugh when you want to cry; to be loquacious when you had rather be taciturn; to have mind and body in unyielding harness, for lingering consecutive weeks; and then to invite your friends, with a hypocritical smile, to play the same farce over with you, "whenever business or pleasure calls them" to Frog town!
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HELEN HAVEN'S "HAPPY NEW YEAR."
"I'm miserable; there's no denying it," said Helen. "There's nothing in this endless fashionable routine of dressing, dancing and visiting, that can satisfy me. Hearts enough are laid at my feet, but I owe them all to the accidents of wealth and position. The world seems all emptiness to me. There must be something beyond this, else why this ceaseless reaching of the soul for some unseen good? Why do the silent voices of nature so thrill me? Why do the holy stars with their burning eyes utter such silent reproaches? Have I nothing to do but amuse myself with toys like a child? Shall I live only for myself? Does not the sun that rises upon my luxury, shine also upon the tear-stained face of sorrow? Are there not slender feet stumbling wearily in rugged, lonely paths? Why is mine flower-bestrewn? How am I better? Whose sorrowful heart have I lightened? What word of comfort has fallen from my lips on the ear of the grief-stricken? What am I here for? What is my mission?"
"And you have only this wretched place to nurse that sick child in?" said Helen; "and five lesser ones to care for? Will you trust that sick child with me?"
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She is not long for this world, my lady; and I love her as well as though I had but one. Sometimes I've thought the more care I have for her, the closer my heart clings to her. She is very patient and sweet."
"Yes, I know," said Helen; "but I have it in my power to make her so much more comfortable. It may preserve, at least lengthen her life."
When little Mary opened her eyes the next morning, she half believed herself in fairy-land. Soft fleecy curtains were looped about her head, her little emaciated hand rested upon a silken coverlid, a gilded table stood by her bed-side, the little cup from which her lips were moistened was of bright silver, and a sweet face was bending over her, shaded by a cloud of golden hair, that fell like a glory from her head.
"Where am I?" said the child, crossing her little hand across her bewildered brain.
Helen smiled. "You are my little bird now, dear. How do you like your cage?"
"It is very, very pretty," said Mary, with childish delight; "but won't you get tired of waiting upon a poor little sick girl? Mamma was used to it. You don't look as if you could work."
"Don't I?" said Helen, with a slight blush; "for all that, You'll see how nicely I can take care of you, little one. I'll sing to you; I'll read to you; I'll tell you pretty stories; and when you are weary of your couch, I'll fold you in my arms, and rock you so gently to sleep. And when you get better and stronger, you shall have so many nice toys to play with,
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and I'll crown your little bright head with pretty flowers, and make you nice little dresses; and now I'm going to read to you. Betty has been out, and bought you a little fairy story about a wonderful puss; and here's 'Little Timothy Pip;' which will you have?"
"Mamma used to read to me out of the Bible," said little Mary, as her long lashes swept her cheek.
Helen started; a bright crimson flush passed over her face, and bending low, she kissed the child's forehead reverentially.
"About the crucifixion, please," said Mary, as Helen seated herself by her side.
That Holy Book! Helen felt as if her hands were "unclean." She began to read; perhaps the print might not have been clear; but she stopped often, and drew her small hand across her eyes. Her voice grew tremulous. Years of worldliness had come between her and that sad, touching story. It came upon her now with startling force and freshness. Earth, with its puerile cares and pleasures, dwindling to a point. Oh, what "cross" had her shoulders borne? What "crown of thorns" had pierced her brows? How had her careless feet turned aside from the footsteps of Calvary's meek sufferer!
"Thank you," said little Mary, rousing Helen from her reverie; "mamma used to pray to God to make me patient, and take me to Heaven."
"Tears started to Helen's eyes. How could she tell that sinless little one she knew not how to pray? Ah! she was the pupil, Mary the teacher! Laying her cheek to hers, she said in a soft whisper, "Pray for us both, dear Mary."
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With sweet, touching, simple eloquence that little silvery voice floated on the air! The little emaciated hand upon which Helen's face was pressed, was wet with tears--happy tears! Oh, this was what that resting soul had craved! Here at "the cross," that world-fettered spirit should plume itself for an angel's ceaseless flight. Aye, and a little child had led "her" there!
Adolph Grey wandered listlessly through that brilliant ball-room. There were sweet voices, and sweeter faces, and graceful, floating forms; but his eye rested on none of them.
"Pray, where is Lady Helen?" said he, wandering up to his gay hostess, with a slight shade of embarrassment.
"Ah, you may well ask that! I'm so vexed at her! Every man in the room is as savage as a New Zealander. She has turned Methodist, that's all. Just imagine; our peerless Helen thumbing greasy hymn-books at vestry meetings, listening to whining preachers, and hunting up poor dirty beggar children! I declare, I thought she had too much good sense. Well, there it is; and you may as well hang your harp on the willows. She'll have nothing to say to you now; for you know you are a sinner, Grey."
"Very true," said Grey, as he went into the ante-room to cloak himself for a call upon Helen; "I am a sinner; but if any woman can make a saint of me, it is Lady Helen. I have looked upon women only as toys to pass away the time; but under that gay exterior of Helen's there was always something
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to which my better nature bowed in reverence. 'A Methodist,' is she? Well, be it so. She has a soul above yonder frivolity, and I respect her for it."
If in after years the great moral questions of the day had more interest for Adolph Grey than the pleasures of the turf, the billiard room, or the wine party, who shall say that Lady Helen's influence was not a blessed one?
Oh, if woman's beauty, and power, and witchery were oftener used for a high and holy purpose, how many who now bend a careless knee at her shrine, would hush the light laugh and irreverent jest, and almost feel, as she passed, that an angel's wing had rustled by!
DOLLARS AND DIMES.
An empty pocket is the worst of crimes.["]
Yes; and don't you presume to show yourself anywhere, until you get it filled. "Not among good people?" No, my dear Simplicity, not among "good people." They will receive you with a galvanic ghost of a smile, scared up by an indistinct recollection of the "ten commandments," but it will be as short-lived as their stay with you. You are not welcome--that's the amount of it. They are all in a perspiration lest you should be delivered of a request for their assistance, before they can get rid of you. They are "very busy," and what's more, they always will be busy when you call, until you get to the top of fortune's letter.
Climb, man! climb! Get to the top of the ladder, though adverse circumstances and false friends break every round in it! and see what a glorious and extensive prospect of human nature you'll get when you arrive at the summit! Your gloves will be worn out shaking hands with the very people who did n't recognize your existence two months ago. "You must come and make me a long visit;" "you must stop in at any time;" "you'll always be welcome;" it is such a long
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time since they had the pleasure of a visit from you, that they begin to fear you never intended to come; and they'll cap the climax by inquiring with an injured air, "if you are nearsighted, or why you have so often passed them in the street without speaking."
Of course, you will feel very much like laughing in their faces, and so you can. You can't do anything wrong, now that your "pocket is full." At the most, it will only be "an eccentricity." You can use anybody's neck for a footstool, bridle anybody's mouth with a silver bit, and have as many "golden opinions" as you like. You won't see a frown again between this and your tombstone!
OUR NELLY.
"Who is she?" "Why, that is our Nelly, to be sure. Nobody ever passed Nelly without asking, 'Who is she?' One can't forget the glance of that blue eye; nor the waving of those golden locks; nor the breezy grace of that lithe figure; nor those scarlet lips; nor the bright, glad sparkle of the whole face; and then, she is not a bit proud, although she steps so like a queen; she would shake hands just as quick with a horny palm as with a kid glove. The world can't spoil 'our Nelly;' her heart is in the right place.
"You should have seen her thank an old farmer, the other day, for clearing the road that she might pass. He shaded his eyes with his hand when she swept by, as if he had been dazzled by a sudden flash of sunlight, and muttered to himself, as he looked after her--'Won't she make somebody's heart ache?' Well, she has; but it is because from among all her lovers she could marry but one, and (God save us!) that her choice should have fallen upon Walter May. If he don't quench out the love-light in those blue eyes, my name is not John Morrison. I've seen his eyes flash when things did n't suit him; I've seen him nurse his wrath to keep it warm till the smouldering embers were ready for a conflagration. He's as vindictive as an
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Indian. I'd as soon mate a dove with a tiger, as give him 'our Nelly.' There's a dozen noble fellows, this hour, ready to lay down their lives for her, and yet out of the whole crowd she must choose Walter May! Oh, I have no patience to think of it. Well-a-day! mark my words, he will break her heart before a twelvemonth! He's a pocket edition of Napoleon."
A year had passed by, and amid the hurry of business and the din of the great city, I had quite forgotten Glenburn and its fairy queen. It was a time to recall her to mind, that lovely June morning--with its soft fleecy clouds, its glad sunlight, its song of birds, and its breath of roses; and so I threw the reins on Romeo's neck, that he might choose his own pace down the sweet-briar path, to John Morrison's cottage. And there sat John, in the doorway, smoking his pipe, with Towser crouched at his feet, in the same old spot, just as if the sun had never gone down behind the hills since I parted with him.
"And 'our Nelly?'" said I, taking up the threat of his year-old narrative as though it had never been broken--"and 'our Nelly?'"
"Under the sod," said the old man, with a dark frown; "under the sod. He broke her heart, just as I told you he would. Such a bridal as it was! I'd as lief have gone to a funeral. And then Walter carried her off to the city, where she was as much out of her element as a humming-bird in a meeting-house;
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and tried to make a fine lady of her, with stiff, city airs, and stiff, city manners. It was like trying to fetter the soft west wind, which comes and goes at its own sweet will; and Nelly--who was only another name for Nature--pined and drooped like a bird in a darkened cage.
"One by one her old friends dropped off, wearied with repeated and rude repulses from her moody husband, till he was left, as he desired, master of the field. It was astonishing the ascendancy he gained over his sweet wife, contemptible as he was. She made no objection to his most absurd requirements; but her step lost its spring, her eye its sparkle; and one might listen long for her merry-ringing laugh. Slowly, sadly to Nelly came that terrible conviction from which a wife has no appeal.
["]Ah! here is no law to protect woman from negative abuse!--no mention made in the statue book (which men frame for themselves), of the constant dropping of daily discomforts which wear the loving heart away--no allusion to looks or words that are like poisoned arrows to the sinking spirit. No! if she can show no mark of brutal fingers on her delicate flesh, he has fulfilled his legal promise to the letter--to love, honor and cherish her. Out on such a mockery of justice!
"Well, sir; Nelly fluttered back to Glenburn, with the broken wing of hope, to die! So wasted! so lovely! The lips that blessed her, could not choose but curse him. She leaned on a broken reed," said her old gray-haired father, as he closed her blue eyes forever. "'May God forgive him, for I
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never can,' said an old lover, whose heart was buried in her grave.
"Nelly May, aged 18.'
"You'll read it in the village churchyard, Sir. Eighteen! Brief years, Sir, to drain all of happiness Life's cup could offer!"
"STUDY MEN, NOT BOOKS."
Oh, but books are such safe company! They keep your secrets well; they never boast that they made your eyes glisten, or your cheek flush, or your heart throb. You may take up your favorite author, and love him at a distance just as warmly as you like, for all the sweet fancies and glowing thoughts that have winged your lonely hours so fleetly and so sweetly. Then you may close the book, and lean your cheek against the cover, as if it were the face of a dear friend; shut your eyes and soliloquise to your heart's content, without fear of misconstruction, even though you should exclaim in the fullness of your enthusiasm, "What an adorable soul that man has!" You may put the volume under your pillow, and let your eye and the first ray of morning light fall on it together, and no Argus eyes shall rob you of that delicious pleasure, no carping old maid, or strait-laced Pharisee shall cry out, "it is n't proper!" You may have a thousand petty, provoking, irritating annoyances through the day, and you shall come back again to your dear old book, and forget them all in dream land. It shall be a friend that shall be always at hand; that shall never try you by caprice, or pain you by forgetfulness, or wound you by distrust.
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["]Study men!"
Well, try it! I don't believe there's any neutral territory where that interesting study can be pursued as it should be. Before you get to the end of the first chapter, they 'll be making love to you from the mere force of habit--and because silks, and calicoes, and de laines, naturally suggest it. It's just as natural to them as it is to sneeze when a ray of sunshine flashes suddenly in their faces. "Study men!" That's a game, my dear, that two can play at. Do you suppose they are going to sit quietly down and let you dissect their hearts, without returning the compliment? No, indeed! that's where they differ slightly from "books!"--they always expect an equivalent.
Men are a curious study! Sometimes it pays to read to "the end of the volume," and then again, it don't--mostly the latter!
OR, HOME THE PLACE FOR MARRIED FOLKS
Happy Mrs. Emily! Freed from the thraldom of housekeeping, and duly installed mistress of a fine suite of rooms at ---- Hotel. No more refractory servants to oversee, no more silver or porcelain to guard, no more cupboards, or closets, of canisters to explore; no more pickles or preserves to make; no more bills of fare to invent,--and over and above all, mistress of a bell-wire which was not "tabooed" on washing and ironing days.
Time to lounge on the sofa, and devour "yellow-covered literature;" time to embroider caps, and collars, and chemisettes; time to contemplate the pretty face where housekeeping might have planted "crows feet," had she not fortunately foreseen the symptoms, and turned her back on dull Care and all his croaking crew.
Happy Mrs. Emily! No bird let loose from a cage was ever more joyous; not even her own little children--for she had two of them, and pretty creatures they were too, with their cherry lips, and dimpled limbs, and flaxen ringlets; and very weary they grew, of their gloomy nursery, with its one window, commanding a view of a dingy shed and a tall
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spectral-looking distilhouse chimney, emitting clouds of smoke and suffocating vapor. Nannie, the nurse, did n't fancy it, either, so she spent her time in the lobbies and entries, challenging compliments from white-jacketed waiters, while the children peeped curiously into the half-open doors, taking drafts of cold air on their bare necks and shoulders. Sometimes they balanced themselves alarmingly on the spiral ballustrade, gazing down into the dizzy Babel below, inhaling clouds of cigar-smoke, and listening, with round-eyed wonder, to strange conversations, which memory's cud should chew, for riper years to digest.
"No children allowed at the table d'hôte"--so the "hotel regulations" pompously set forth--the landlord's tablecloths, gentlemen's broadcloth, and ladies' silk dresses being sworn goes to little Paul Pry fingers. Poor little exiles! they took their sorrowful meals in the servants' hall, with their respective nurses, the bill of fare consisting of a rehash of yesterday's French dishes, (spiced for the digestion of an ostrich.) This was followed by a dessert of stale pastry and ancient raisins, each nurse at the outset propitiating her infant charge with a huge bunch, that she might regale herself with the substantials!--mamma, meanwhile, blissfully ignoring the whole affair, absorbed in the sublime occupation of making German worsted dogs.
Papa, too, had his male millennium. No more marketing to do; no more coal, or wood, or kindling to buy; no cistern, or pump, or gaspipe to keep in repair. Such a luxury as it was to have a free pass to the "smoking room," (alias bar-room,) where the atmosphere was so dense that he could n't tell the
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latitude of his nose, and surrounded by "hale fellows well met." His eldest boy accompanied him, listening, on his knee, to questionable jokes, which he repeated at bed-time to pert Nannie, the nurse, who understood their significance much better than his innocent little lordship.
Papa, to be sure, had some drawbacks, but they were VERY trifling;--for instance, his shirts were quite buttonless, his dickeys stringless, and his stockings had ventilator toes;--but then, how could mamma be seen patching and mending in such an aristocratic atmosphere?--she might lose caste; and as to Nannie, her hands were full, what with babies and billet-doux.
You should have seen Mrs. Emily in the evening; with sparkling eyes and bracelets, flounced robe and daintily-shod feet, twisting her Chinese fan, listening to moustached idlers, and recollecting, with a shudder, the long Caudle evenings, formerly divided between her husband, his newspaper, and her darning-needle.
Then the petite soupers at ten o'clock in the evening, where the ladies were enchanting, the gentlemen quite entirely irresistible; where wit and champagne corks flew with equal celerity; and headaches, and dyspepsia, and nightmare, lay perdu amid fried oysters, venison steaks, chicken salad, and India-rubber, anti-temperance jellies.
Then followed the midnight reunion in the drawing-room, where promiscuous polkaing and waltzing, (seen through champagne fumes,) seemed not only proper, but delightful.
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It was midnight. There was hurrying to and fro in the entry halls and lobbies; a quick, sharp cry for medical help; the sobs and tears of an agonized mother, and the low moan of a dying child; for nature had rebelled at last, at impure air, unwholesome food, and alternate heats and chills.
"No hope," the doctor said; "no hope," papa mechanically repeated; "no hope!" echoed inexorable Death, as he laid his icy finger on the quivering little lips.
It was a dearly bought lesson. The Lady Emily never forgot it. Over her remaining bud of promise she tearfully bends, finding her quiet happiness in the beautiful, sacred and safe retreat of the home fireside.
AMERICAN LADIES.
"The American ladies, when promenading, cross their arms in front, and look like trussed turkeys."
Well, you ought to pity us, for we have no such escape-valves for our awkwardness as you have--no dickeys to pull up--no vests to pull down--no breast pockets, side pockets, flap pockets to explore--no cigars between our teeth--no switch canes in our hands--no beavers to twitch, when we meet an acquaintance. Don't you yourselves oblige us to reef in our rigging, and hold it down tight with our little paws over our belts, under penalty of being dragged half a mile by one of your buttons, when you tear past us like so many comets.
Is it any joke to us to stand vis-a-vis, with a strange man, before a crowd of grinning spectators, while you are disentangling the "Gordian knot," instead of whipping out your pen-knife and sacrificing your offending button, as you ought to do?
Is it any joke to see papa scowl, when we ask her for the "needful," to restore the lace or fringe you tore off our shawl or mantilla?
Do you suppose we can stop to walk gracefully, when our minds have to be in a prepared state to have our pretty little toes crushed, or our bonnets knocked off, or our skirts torn
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from our belts, or ourselves and our gaiter boots jostled into a mud-puddle?
Do you ever "keep to the right, as the law directs?" Don't you always go with your heads hindside before, and then fetch up against us as if we were made of cast-iron? Don't you put your great lazy hands in your pockets, and tramp along with a cane half a mile long sticking out from under your armpits, to the imminent danger of our optics? "Trussed turkeys," indeed! No wonder, when we are run a-fowl of every other minute.